I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
