so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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