I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
