she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
