dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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