Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
