I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
