checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
where are my eyebrows?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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