why didn't you poke me back
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
