I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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