remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
