She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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