you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize