Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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