I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He kissed a someone with a penis
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
