I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
