I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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