If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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