Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
