i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
