You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
