Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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