She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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