He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
