Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
