if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
