I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You have to summon your inner elephant
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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