Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
