lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
