No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize