I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
