If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
