Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
