When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
