just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
