I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
