**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
