dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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