My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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