If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
