Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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