I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize