Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
