$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
