you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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