I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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