I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
