Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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