wanna go halves on a baby?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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