I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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