Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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