just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
