White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize